The Trader Joe's Wine You Are, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

From Two Buck Chuck to the private Reserve labels, the Trader Joe's wine aisle has quite the range of bottles for you to choose from — and, like everything else in the store, they're infamously cheap. Even the top tier Diamond Reserve wines at TJ's are under $20, but even so, that doesn't make your decision any easier, and especially not if you're a beginner. In fact, with so many options at so many different budgets and price ranges, your decision actually becomes harder in a lot of ways.

While it might be tempting, at Trader Joe's you don't have to just grab the cheapest bottle you can find and call it a day, because for just $1 or $2 more, you could have something much better suited to your palate — and that's especially true if you're shopping for the wine you are, based on your zodiac sign. Whether you're a Libra who couldn't make a decision if their life depended on it, or a Capricorn who always knows exactly what they want when they want it, there's a wine at Trader Joe's that's just waiting for you to discover it.

With as many Trader Joe's wine options as there are stars in the sky, you might as well let them decide for you. Keep reading to find out which Trader Joe's wine you'd be based on your zodiac sign, so you can stock up and start sipping ASAP.

Aries are represented by the ram — which makes sense, seeing as these signs are notorious for their tendency to think after they leap. That, of course, only leads them to some hard-learned lessons, especially because when they do jump into something, it's almost always head first and with full force. These signs simply don't half-ass anything, and they couldn't if they tried. It's both indicative of their inherent passion and drive, but also their competitive streak. Apparently, being the first sign on the zodiac calendar isn't enough, and they need to be first in everything else, too. Only, when it comes to wine, we all know that kind of fast and frugal approach can only lead to more headaches.

Given this sign's spontaneity, competitiveness, and its willingness to dive head first into new ventures, the Aries isn't just one of the most popular bottles of wine at Trader Joe's, but the kind that's credited with giving Trader Joe's wine its initial notoriety: Charles Shaw. Also known as the "Two Buck Chuck," Charles Shaw makes everything from a white zinfandel to a shiraz — all sold at Trader Joe's for just $2. But, while that price tag might induce you with a bit of Aries-like hyper-excitement and a shopping cart loaded with bottles, you should be warned that the price is probably one of the only things these wines have going for them. This is one lesson the Aries might already know — but the cheapest option isn't always the best.

Being the first of the three Earth signs on the zodiac calendar, the Taurus is especially earthy. While these signs are primarily known for how stubborn they can be (you'll have better luck moving a mountain than one of them), their earthiness also lends into many of their other, more celebrated characteristics — including how dependable, level-headed, and calming they are. But, as it pertains to their wine, their earthiness can only make them one bottle in the Trader Joe's aisle, and that's, of course, a natural one.

Adding on to their long list of earthy characteristics, Tauruses are known to enjoy lush and serene outdoor surroundings — the kind that have been left largely untouched by humans. Considering its negative impacts on the environment, modern day wine agriculture certainly wouldn't fall into that category. An ancient, natural wine, on the other hand, would. That's why, if the Taurus were any wine at Trader Joe's, they'd be the Amuse Bouche Pét-Nat, short for "pétillant naturel" a French term that translates to "naturally sparkling."

Made in the south of France, the pét nat wine from Trader Joe's is like all others of its kind in that it's made using a French method known as "methode ancestral." Bottled while it's still fermenting, without any added sugar, yeast, or sulphates, you get a softly fizzy, lightly sweet wine that's casual, easygoing, and totally natural — just like a Taurus. It's, essentially, everything these signs are in a bottle.

Geminis are incredibly misunderstood. Most of that can be attributed to the fact that they're commonly associated with being two-faced. As you can probably imagine, it's led some people to have some preconceived notions about them. However, anyone who has taken the time to dig deeper into the Gemini's astrological background would quickly realize that it simply is not the case. The only reason these signs are represented by twins is because they're so incredibly curious and social that the only way that they'd be able to do everything and be everywhere they want would be if they could make a clone of themselves.

Having said all of that, if the Gemini were any wine at Trader Joe's, they'd be one that can relate to the feeling of being judged. For that, look no further than Opaline Brut Rosé — an option featured in Tasting Table's 16 best wines at Trader Joe's under $10, even despite the gaudy bottle it comes in. Adorned in diamond shaped scales, this wine's pink hue and audacious decor are enough to give anyone the wrong idea. But, this wine is about much more than it looks. Made from pinot noir grapes grown in the Languedoc region in France, Opaline Brut Rosé is not sweet by any means, with fine bubbles that dance across the tongue on every sip for just $7.99.

Cancers are known, first and foremost, for being emotional. While it does lend many positives to their lives and relationships — they're incredibly intuitive, for one, so you'll never feel the need to have to explain yourself, and they're also empathetic and loyal — it has some other, not so great trade-offs. To start, Cancers are immensely difficult to get to know. Because they feel things so deeply they tend to be very defensive and often put up thick shells that, much like the crabs they represent, can  be challenging to break through. If unchecked, their sensitivity can often border on excessive, leading to instances of emotional manipulation and clinginess.

It's almost like these signs are too sweet for their own good. But, fittingly, so is the Trader Joe's wine they'd be. That's why, if the Cancer were any wine from Trader Joe's, they'd be a bottle of Secco Bellini. Sold for just $5.99, and in flavors that range from mango to peach and grapefruit to strawberry-raspberry, Tasting Table's taste testers found that most of Trader Joe's Secco Wines walk a thin line between sweet and too sweet. While the mango and grapefruit flavors strike the perfect balance, both the strawberry-raspberry and the peach left a sweetness that lingered longer than one might like.

Leos are the kind of people everyone notices when they walk into a room. But, it's only because they're very adamant about being the center of attention. These signs have the big, loud kind of personalities that rarely go undetected. Still, while they might come off as braggy, shallow, and even a bit selfish at times, there's a reason why these signs are embraced by so many — and that's because they know how to have a good time. Leos are the signs of the summer, after all, and they have the bright, sunny personalities to match — and so does the Trader Joe's wine they'd be.

Leos have a clear lust for life, and they believe in living it to the fullest. In the summer, that doesn't just mean any type of rosé — it means German pinot noir rosé, and Trader Joe's has just the thing. For just $4.99, the Emma Reichart pinot noir rosé serves as the perfect gateway bottle into the regional category with fruity notes along with the ideal, round body and acidity that makes the rosés of the region so significant. It's also fitting that, in the summer of 2022, Emma Reichart pinot noir rosé had its moment of fame on TikTok, with some calling it the wine of the season. Every Leo thinks they're a celebrity deep down, after all. So if not them, it might as well be their wine.

Most people know Virgos for being very type A, which is true. These signs love a nicely organized calendar, and they live by their to-do lists, but what some people might see as an overbearing need for control and perfection also leads to a lot of healthy habits, too. These signs see every small task as a contribution to something much bigger, whether it's work or their overall well-being. That's why, if these signs were any wine from Trader Joe's, they'd been one that's not only green (that way they can feel like they're getting in their greens) but also a little bit type A, too — which means they could only be the Trader Joe's Espinoza Vinho Verde.

As far as colors go, people break wines down into 2 to 3 categories: red, white, and pink or rosé. But, your options are by no means limited to that — and no, I'm not referring to the recent emergence of orange wine. I'm talking about something even more off the wine color wheel: Vinho Verde. Translating from Portuguese to "green wine," the Espinoza Vinho Verde from Trader Joe's is actually named after the region that the wine comes from, and not the color of the wine itself. Still, it is a nice sentiment. Plus, with flavors of bright apple and melon, with an ever-so sparkling texture, the Virgo can almost convince themself you're drinking something healthy.

If Libras are known for anything, it's their impeccable taste. These signs are often thought of as the aesthetes of the zodiac, a title that is cognizant to their fine eye for art and design. A lot of it has to do with their almost uncanny ability to spot and define symmetry — that much is made apparent in the fact that they're literally represented by a scale. But, you better believe they can taste it too, and considering that balance is something they seek in every aspect of their lives, the Trader Joe's wine they'd be is one that's perfectly balanced in one of the grocer's best wine and cheese pairings.

Libras might look for and express their love for balance externally, but the main way that they find balance within themselves is through their relationships. These signs thrive within harmonious companionships, and what a better harmonious companion to wine than cheese? In so, if the Libra were any wine from Trader Joe's, they'd be the one that also fits seamlessly into the classic wine and cheese pairing they'd be: La Burgondie Crémant de Bourgogne. This sparkling blend delivers a fine sparkle and fruit-forward flavor for just $10.99. Paired with Trader Joe's double cream brie, it's a match made in heaven.

Scorpios are another sign with a reputation that precedes them. No sign is as associated with danger and darkness as they are, and their mysterious allure comes together to make them simultaneously intimidating and enticing. But, despite what people might think, everything is not all sexy and cool when it comes to these signs. In fact, while they may not always show it, their passion and intensity can be too much for a lot of people. They're also notoriously unforgiving, or dare I say bitter. Nevertheless, there's a wine found at Trader Joe's that's perfectly suited to these signs.

Deep and dark, with a bitterness that could only come from the famously sharp, Italian-grown Susumaniello grapes, the only Trader Joe's wine that the Scorpio could be is the Susumaniello Ruggero di Bardo. This unique Italian wine varietal comes from a vineyard in Puglia, host to the ideal Mediterranean climate where these special grapes thrive — allowing them to develop their characteristically high levels of anthocyanins. In turn, the wine achieves the strong structure, dark color, and impactful finish that the varietals are known and loved for. They're certainly intense, but, like the Scorpio, that's what makes them so beautiful.

While Sagittariuses can be overly honest and all too often impatient, most of their faults are easily outweighed by their infectious optimism. They're almost impossible to stay mad at, because even after saying something outrageously blunt and guileless, you know they don't mean any harm. These signs are driven by a desire to learn and expand their understanding of the world. No experience, good or bad, is without its lessons — and no sign understands that more than they do. Sagittarius naturally finds the silver lining in any and every situation, and no matter how things work out, they'll be over the moon about it. Fittingly, so will their wine.

If the Sagittarius were any wine from Trader Joe's, they'd be a Trader Moon wine. With varietals that include the Moon X Pinot Noir, the Honey Moon Viognier, and the Velvet Moon Cabernet Sauvignon among others. More than just a play on words, the Trader Moon wines are impressively priced for the quality of what you get — delivering notes of vanilla oak and crisp fruit for prices that range between $6-8. While there are plenty of other, slightly more nuanced-tasting Trader Joe's wines that don't break the bank, there's no denying the easy sipping these bottles bring to the table. Perhaps that's something these signs can relate to.

Responsible, goal-oriented, driven, and all too often overachieving, it's really no wonder why Capricorns are known for being "workaholics." But, what a lot of people don't know about these signs is that, on the off chance they do give themselves the night off, they can be the life of the party. Represented by the mythical sea goat — a cross between a fish and a goat — Capricorns climb mountains above and underground, but they're also said to have a magical ability to age backwards. Like a wine that ripens with age, it's almost as if the older and more successful Capricorns become the more they're able to let go and enjoy life. Knowing that, they'd have to be one of Trader Joe's Reserve wines.

Trader Joe's has many, private label reserve wines. But, they come in tiers — and if the Capricorn were any one of Trader Joe's Reserve wines in particular, they'd have to be the one that our taste testers tried ranked the very best. Fittingly, that wine also happens to be one of the bottles that belong to the very highest tier: the Diamond Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon. Released in limited quantities, these bottles are some of the most expensive Trader Joe's has to offer — and they go fast. Still, for $20, it's significantly cheaper than other Napa Valley cabernets. Plus, just like these signs, the Diamond Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon bottles only gets better with age.

Aquariuses are an eclectic bunch. These signs are contrarian by nature — even their names are meant to throw you off. While they might not be water signs at all (they're actually air signs), Aquariuses are represented by the water bearer, which is indicative of their individualistic values. These signs don't believe in norms, and they aren't afraid of standing apart from the crowd, whether that be through their funky senses in fashion or their unpopular opinions. Knowing all of that, it's probably not surprising to learn that they also unintentionally turn out being big trendsetters, too. So, naturally, so is the Trader Joe's wine they'd be.

If the Aquarius were any wine at Trader Joe's, they'd have to be one that stands apart from any of the other bottles in the liquor aisle — wine, spirits, and cocktails included. That's why, if the Aquarius were any wine in particular, they'd be the Margarita Wine Cocktails, made from a special varietal known as agave wine. While made and processed similarly to other agave-based spirits, agave wine filters and fortifies the agave plant rather than distilling it. This, in turn, creates a wine with a similar flavor to tequila, without the characteristically high ABV.

Sold in both a classic lime and a strawberry flavor, Trader Joe's caters to the rising trend of no and low drinking with its Margarita Wine Cocktails. But, the Aquarius was likely on that a long time ago.

Pisces have a secret gift — and no, it's not their expansive imaginations or their insane intuition. It's their ability to get along with anybody. While, at first glance, it might be difficult to decipher what makes these signs different, one will eventually come to realize that that's exactly it. These signs adapt and change depending on who they're around, giving them the distinct ability to connect with anyone. Some might say it comes down to the fact that they're the last sign on the calendar, a placement that means signs have lived past lives as each sign on the zodiac. In a way, they all exist within them.

With that, the Trader Joe's wine that the Pisces would be has to be one that, like them, not only gets along with just about everybody — but every thing. For that reason, they'd be the D'Aquino Pinot Grigio Del Venezie. Grown and sourced from the appellations of Northern Italy, in an Italian wine region just outside of Venice, the Del Venezie moniker is synonymous with wines beloved for their medium to light bodies and clean, fruity palette. While some might associate them with a similar lighter fare of cuisine, they're actually equally as complementary in pairings with richer, saltier, and fried foods as well.

From fresh seafood to mac and cheese, the Pinot Grigio Del Venezie from Trader Joe's plays well with just about everything. That's something these signs can relate to.