Brangelina Is No More, And The Cronut Will Follow

After just three years of marriage, the couple formerly known as Cronut are no more. TT reports that Croissant has filed for divorce from Doughnut, citing irreconcilable differences. According to the filing, Croissant is seeking physical custody of the couple's many flavors—frosted, devil's food, crumb, sprinkles, Boston cream, chocolate and matcha—instead of joint custody. After centuries of baking, the pair married in 2013. They had first met in the kitchen of the Soho pastry shop, Dominique Ansel Bakery. Their love affair was a matter of national news and their coupledom taken as catechism, as certain and hopeful as the sunrise.

For many pastry lovers, Cronut is all they have known. Its dissolution is an existential crisis for pastry. What, if anything, will cro- be without -nut or -nut without cro-? Together, they were the paragon of partnership, proof that a sum can indeed trump its parts. Can they stand alone, or is something irrevocably lost by their being torn asunder? Clouds gather on the horizon, and the world's stomachs are turning. Indigestion and heartburn turned smiles into grimaces as the news quickly spread.

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Will their split set off a contagion of divorce? Will Whoppers divorce burritos, Cheetos split with mac and cheese, and chicken take turkey and move out of duck as each member of the world's most popular portmanteaus give into despair? If the Cronut can't make it, who can?

But into this void one might add a voice of reason or hope. The struggle is real, but Croissant and Doughnut will be just fine. Remember for the majority of their existences, they were unentwined. Croissant has a rich history. By 2013, it was already a star. In the aftermath of this ugly breakup, it has its own friends in which to seek comfort: sweet and empathetic Pain au Chocolat, clingy Pain aux Raisins, steadfast Baguette.  

By the time they met, Doughnut had also already accomplished much. It had established essential breakfast dominion, and its image was omnipresent in the households and billboards of America. Doughnut too has a strong support staff, notably its somewhat bitter but always encouraging friend, Black Coffee.

Sources close to the couple say that though they seemed to be as happily conjoined as ever during recent months, trouble had long been brewing. One friend cites Croissant's flakiness as a major source of tension. Another points to Doughnut's deep-seated issues: "Doughnut sometimes acted like a sociopath," the friend said. "Doughnut was sweet on the outside, but there was a hole where its heart should be."