Chia Seed Pudding Is Disgusting, And You Know It

Ever felt the notorious pang of midday hunger and thought, I'm really craving something gelatinous, slimy and tasteless, but with a little bit of crunch? Neither have I. That's why I'm asking you to just say no to chia seed pudding.

At this point, you're bound to have stumbled across the Internet's favorite snack trend in one form or another. Surely, you've heard about the numerous health benefits chia seeds are said to provide. The low-calorie seeds contain a large amount of protein, fiber, calcium, magnesium and more. But do you know what else they contain? Tears of all the poor souls who've wasted their afternoon snack on a bowl of grayish goo.

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So why do I feel such hatred for this harmless, seemingly gentle food? I'm all for enjoying a creamy pudding or snacking on crunchy seeds, but the biggest problem comes when the two are combined. Let's survey the issues. If made at home, this "treat" can take as long as 12 hours before it's ready to consume. And the store-bought versions, which usually come in the form of chia pods, can cost as much as $5, which is frankly about $8 more than I want to be paying for chia seed pudding.

The finished product looks exactly like frogspawn. You know, those gelatinous little eggs holding unhatched black tadpoles? Only the worst words in the language of food can describe this "pudding": moist and watery. (Don't even get me started on the mouthfeel.)

Many pods try to punch up the pudding with flavors that range from tasteless chocolate to tasteless coconut, but the texture is the biggest problem. When soaked in liquid, each chia seed develops a clear, slimy film, as if to protect itself from the foolish human who dares eat it. Together, these slime babies form a gelatinous mold that wiggles, jiggles and squelches with every touch of a spoon. Still, the seed within retains its crunch, resulting in what can only be described as chewy mucous. Although the substance is actually kind of mesmerizing to play with, it's an absolute nightmare to eat.

Maybe I'm getting too worked up about this snot pudding. But if I can save just one person from wasting their time and money on a "snack" that's just an inferior version of tapioca pudding, I consider my work here to be done.