What Your Beer Choice Says About You
When you need an escape from that terrible Tinder date
We all have painfully awkward moments in life, which are much more manageable once we've turned 21 and can numb our feelings with a cold one. Whether you need something to quell the embarrassment caused by your latest social media faux pas or require a little liquid courage to get through a blind date from hell, here are the beers best suited for those cringe-worthy, embarrassing situations life has to throw at us.
(Disclaimer: This article is intended only to entertain. Obviously, real social anxiety issues should be treated by a trained psychological professional, not by drinking beer or alcohol. If you actually need help, consider referring to the American Psychological Association.)
When You've Accidentally Liked an Instagram Photo
Rule number one of social media stalking: Beware the accidental double tap. But even if you've just made the biggest newbie mistake of all, don't worry: The bitterness of a good Goose Island IPA is the perfect accompaniment to the bitterness you feel in your heart when browsing your ex's profile.
Photo: Goose Island via Facebook
When Your Bumble Date Turns Out to Be More of a Tinder Date
Look, life isn't always a Bacherlorette finale, which is the reason we may or may not have a hidden dating-app folder labeled on our phone. So if your digitally matched dinner ends up involving more than one type of catfish, reach for a sour like Dogfish Head's Sea Quench Ale—the natural tartness will involuntarily cause a not-so-subtle look of disgust your (mis)match won't be able to mistake for anything else.
Photo: Dogfish Head Brewing via Facebook
When You're Meeting the Parents for the First Time
First impressions are important, so it's vital you choose a beer that reflects everything two overprotective parents would want to see in a potential son- or daughter-in-law. An all-American beer that toes the line, such as Samuel Adams Cherry Wheat ale, which is brewed with a hint of honey to show your sweet side, is always a safe bet.
Photo: Samuel Adams via Facebook
When You Show Up to a Restaurant Before Everyone Else
We all know you're watching the latest viral America's Got Talent audition clips versus actually texting someone important. Thankfully, with (512) Brewing Company's Double Pecan Porter by your side, strangers will ignore the fact you're a party of one sitting at an empty six-top, and will instead focus on how you have all the same qualities as the sophisticated ale you're sipping: sweet, smooth and full bodied.
Photo: The Beer Hall via Facebook
When You're the Only One in Your Group Who Wants to Order Dessert
The next time everyone at your table pretends like they don't want to order dessert, suggest a round of beers. The Caramelized Chocolate Churro Baltic Porter from Moody Tongue Brewing, with it's milk chocolate, cinnamony profile, has all the buzzwords you could ever want in a post-dinner sweet.
Photo: Moody Tongue Brewing
When You're the Only One at the Table Invested in Game of Thrones
(Spoiler alert!) Did seeing Jaime Lannister's bannermen getting torched by Daenerys's dragon and her Dothraki horde cause you unnecessary anxiety? Take the edge off with a few horns of English-style ale—Samuel Smith's Nut Brown uses roast barley and dark malt for a brew worthy of the King of the Andals and the First Men.
Photo: Drizly
When You Hit the Inevitable Life Crisis
You're by yourself at a bar after sitting through afternoon traffic, wishing you had become a nomadic Colorado ski bum instead of taking that nine-to-five job. For those days when you're depressingly rereading Oh, the Places You'll Go!, grab a can of Natural Light. Because if there's anything more upsetting than disliking your job, it's realizing you can no longer shotgun a beer like the college freshman you once were. Only then can you move on and order the unofficial dad beer: Heineken.
Photo: Natural Light via Facebook